The First Honest Cable Company

Align:start hi we’re your local high speed internet and cable provider are you looking for a fast reliable internet connection a large selection of your favorite HD TV channels with 24/7 access to the best customer support technicians all out of fair price fuck you you’ll take what we give you you’ll have the option of choosing from several of our completely unwarranted ripoffs including internet speeds up to 200 times slower than Korea at twice the price TV packages with over 500 channels 90% of what you can view and we guarantee a plethora of hidden fees then our barely trained technicians will come to install your services somewhere between the hours of 8 a.m. and 10 p.m. knock once while you’re in the shower and promptly leave and once we do finally get your service up and running it’ll be down and limping within three hours indefinitely why you ask simply we are part of what is called an oligopoly it’s like a monopoly only legal see in closed-door meetings with four or five of the other major providers we’ve secretly agreed not to have different prices allowing us to completely eliminate any competition and collectively raise our prices to optimum talkback levels because we here at your local high-speed internet and cable provider don’t believe in customer satisfaction we believe in money pool is looking for a better deal you can all gobble down our balls you’re paying for your local high-speed internet and cable provider you won’t like it and there’s no other option you